


You Are Enough

by impulse_baker



Series: Journey to the Center of 'Being Okay' [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Best Friends, Dean is a Sweetheart, Demisexual Castiel (Supernatural), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, M/M, Not so platonic feelings, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 18:04:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12114234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impulse_baker/pseuds/impulse_baker
Summary: Castiel and Dean have quickly become close friends and while Dean is clear about his feelings towards him, Cas is having a harder time figuring out what exactly it is that he feels for Dean.





	You Are Enough

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a series and while I suppose this could stand on its own, read the previous two parts for best results (:

_Looking back Cas can see that Inias wasn't in love. He cared. He was looking for love. He wanted to be in love but it just never happened. He remembered Inias looking down at him while they were in bed. He used to see love in those eyes but now he realizes what he saw was was only a question. Inias was looking for something and hoping that he would see it in Cas. He wanted to see it in him. He wanted to find what he was looking for in sapphire eyes and chapped lips but it wasn't there. Castiel was in love with a man who didn't love him back. His touches were tender and sincere and hungry but he didn't feel his skin ignite or his insides ripple with need. He did not touch Castiel to memorize the way his hair felt against his cheek. He did not look at him trying to commit the angles of his jaw to memory. His smiles were kind and indulgent and affectionate but Inias didn't see the moonlight reflecting in the depths of his eyes. He only saw nighttime. He didn't see the sun kissing his skin and making it glow. He only saw summer. Cas couldn't change that. Cas just wasn't enough. He wasn't right. That's not Inias' fault._

"Hey, earth to Cas."  
Castiel was interrupted from his thoughts when Dean waved his hands in front of his face. He had his head laid in Cas' lap while they were getting their class reading assignments done together.  
"Sorry. What?"  
"Where'd you go? I asked if you wanted me to cook something or if you'd rather go out."  
"Oh. Sorry. I was just caught up in my head, you know. If you wouldn't mind, could we cook something? I don't really want to eat out. I've got some stuff for stir fry."  
Dean gave him a sassy eye roll and wide grin. Two months ago Castiel would've only seen the sarcastic good humor in his friend's expression, but now he recognized the empathy behind his eyes. Thankfully he didn't say anything more and stood up, stretching his back and rolling his neck. The movement revealed a sliver of the tanned expanse of skin and light trail of hair on his stomach. He saw Dean glance at him, a similar kind of searching look to the ones Inias gave him, but with something more. Castiel felt a twinge of guilt because he knew Dean didn't see in him what he wanted to see.  
Dean made it known early on that he was interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him, and while Cas could admit that yes, he found Dean attractive, he was missing the nameless feeling he needed to enter the kind of relationship Dean wanted. His plush smile faltered a little but he gracefully and respectfully accepted that and asked if they could continue as friends. He was fully aware that Dean was hoping the feeling would develop, but never made any advances or did anything Cas wasn't comfortable with. He enjoyed being around Dean and he valued the time they spent together and looked forward to even the smallest interactions, but he just didnt know. He didnt know what he was feeling. Everything felt dulled and confusing in the aftermaths of heartbreak.  
All he wanted was for someone to love him and care for him as he did for Inias, and there it was. The constant comparison to Inias. While he watched Dean cook he would think about how Inias made breakfast for him every weekend: waffles, whipped cream and blueberries with honey instead of syrup. When Dean quizzed him with his flashcards his mind would transport him to Inias' bed where they would study and reward one another with kisses for correct answers. When he saw Dean's Batman towel in his bathroom limp weight between his legs reminded him of the many times Inias stroked him to sated completion under the warm spray of the shower. Reminders of of Castiel's inadequacy were everywhere, because what else were they, if not reminders that he wasn't enough to be loved back?

"Cas, hey what's wrong? What's going on in there?" The smell of cayenne was suddenly very strong and his eyes focused on Dean's face in front of him. He realized the smell was coming from Dean's hands that were on his shoulders.

"Please don't touch me." His voice came out in a weak sob. He hadn't realized tears had started falling from his eyes but now Dean made him aware. Dean had that effect on him, of making him aware, of coaxing him into talking and acknowledging what he was feeling, but it was never the things he wanted to feel. Even now, with his hands up resignedly, a step back from where he was before, Dean cleared the haze obscuring his anger at himself.

"Fuck you."

"What did I do?" Dean was clearly trying to keep his voice steady and Castiel's anger was tempted to rear it's head at him, too, for having himself so well put together. Why couldn't he be like that? Dean had his own struggles and yet here was, concern swimming in his eyes. He cared. How long until he left, too?

"Fuck you both!" The words almost didn't come out from beneath the breathlessness.

"Who?"

He could tell Dean was trying to be rational and steady and the voice and presence of reason to help Cas work through his anxiety and that pissed him the fuck off. He could take care of his own damn self. He knew what he needed to do to talk himself through his emotions he didnt need Dean playing therapist. He didnt need him showing him kindness only to turn tail and run when it got too much. Cas knew he was broken without the poster child for working out mental illnesses, trying to help him. He couldn't be helped. Inias broke him and took all the important pieces with him. Dean wasn't the answer, he didn't have what Cas needed. He needed Inias to come back and return what he took and apologize. He needed him to come and ask for another chance and promise that he had grown up and realized that he was just looking for the wrong thing when he left and what he actually needed was Cas all along. He needed Inias to laugh and tell him how his family told him he was stupid for leaving him and he needed him to agree. He needed them all to go out for ice cream and make him feel like part of their beautiful, picture perfect family. He needed Inias' dogs to still recognize him and jump all over him and crush his lap like they always would. He needed him to hold his hand and tell him they would take on the assholes of the world together and make people happy and spread good things together. As a team. And then Cas wouldn't be so lonely and his body wouldn't ache with fatigue and his mind would be able to rest and sleep would no longer evade him and his appetite would return and he would be able to focus on his school work and he would be motivated to _be_.

"I just need him to come back." He whimpered.

He wanted a hug, he wanted Meg to kiss his hair and tell him it would be ok and tell him she understood what heartbreak was. He wanted Dean to sit closely next to him and maybe let him put his head on his shoulder while he sang The Beatles. But he didn't know how to ask for it. He didn't want to ask. He didn't deserve it. He shivered as another sob racked his body.

A glass of water directly in his line of fission made him look up.

"Think you can drink this?" Dean asked steadily.

Cas accepted it was a shaking hand and took small sips. "Thank you." He croaked. Dean left again and he knew he was going to pack up and say goodbye.

He was surprised again when a bowl of noodles and stir fry vegetables was extended to him with a pair of chopsticks already nestled in the noodles.

"How about we eat so the food doesn't go cold? Hmm?" Dean smiled easily. He sat next to him, farther away than Cas liked, but he wasn't about to scoot closer after yelling at Dean to not touch him. If his mouth didn't feel like cotton, he would have been able to appreciate his culinary skills but the flavors were muted to him.

"Sorry." He said finally, after a few bites.

"You know you don't have to apologize to me for having an attack, Cas. We're friends, and I'm here for you."

"You shouldn't have to deal with it. Like, I know it's not fun to take care of me. I feel like you're always seeing me cry."

"You wanna know what I actually see? Why I stay?"

"Yeah..."

"I see you trusting me to see you like this and letting me try to help you. I see you trying to do what you can to heal. I see you letting yourself accept that I care about you, and getting comfortable enough around me that you can just let your walls down. That's what I see."

Tears were falling of their own accord and he said 'fuck it' to his walls and insecurities and leaned into Dean's space, hiding his face in his chest, with both of their bowls still awkwardly balancing in their hands between them.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Dean asked. Everytime he asked this, there was always the very clear option of saying 'no I don't want to tell you about this it is none of your business'. Dean was respectful like that.

"Sometimes I just get bummed out about my ex. First love and all that, you know? Man I lost my virginity to, made my first promises of a future to, all that. It still hurts sometimes. Even after almost three years. Something will remind me of him and in hit with all the reasons I wasn't good enough for him to love me back. I was too broken, even back then, he knew it. I know I should be completely over it by now but... I dont know. Love and all that bullshit." He trailed off, worrying that Dean would see how he was so stupidly hung up on his ex and he would stop trying and stop being his friend. In the two short months they've known each other they had become inseparable. He didn't want to lose that.

"Fuck that guy."

"What?" He was surprised by the sudden outburst.

"Fuck that guy for leaving such a hurtful impression on you. You _are_  enough. Cas, buddy, you're...you're amazing. I'd rather have you in my life, broken or not. Which by the way, again, you aren't. So yeah. Fuck that guy." He lifted his chopsticks that had noodles and a piece of broccoli and a spring bean between them.  
"To delicious food, saying fuck you to your ex, and to you, my angel." Dean clinked his sticks against Cas' empty ones and took a hearty bite.

Castiel didn't understand what he meant by calling him 'angel' or why, but for the first time, he was able to smile at the bite Dean took that was bordering disgustingly too large for his mouth. Even with his cheeks stretched like that, his dimples were apparent when he smiled at him. He decided soy sauce dribbling out of the corner of pink lips wasn't _that_  appalling.

\---------------------------

Cas let Dean talk him into going to a football game with him on Saturday. Meg came and they joined a large group of Dean's friends. He was glad Dean wasn't wearing sunglasses. The light from the slowly setting sun made his eyelashes look gold.

\-----------------------------

Dean surprised him with a baggie of pumpkin seeds and his favorite tea at the library one night while Cas was working on an essay. He didn't talk and distract him, but he stayed even though he already finished all his homework, so he could make sure Cas got his paper done. At 2a.m. he gave him a ride home so he wouldn't have to request the campus after-hours shuttle. From the passenger's side Cas noticed the way each passing street light highlighted Dean's cheekbones and light up the ginger scruff on his cheeks.

\------------------------------

Castiel talked Dean into joining him for a jog one morning. He realized it was the first time he had ever seen him in shorts. The bow of his legs was so much more obvious like this. Part of him wanted to run behind him just to find out if jogging exaggerated it more or made it less noticable.

They sat at a park bench to catch their breath before they returned to Cas' house. They watched two geese fly around the pond from one fallen branch to another. Cas made an offhand comment about their flight pattern and Dean laughed.

The rising sunlight made his usually jade eyes look more like peridot. He would remember that joke.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, hope you liked it! Let me know what kinds of things you'd like to see in the next installments.
> 
> Remember, there is nothing wrong with seeking help when you need it.  
> You is smart. You is kind. You is important.


End file.
